A Long History

I’ve been doing these for a really long time. I found the first one, but it wasn’t worth sharing, so I thought I’d share the second. Maybe I’ll go back through these. The first time I shared any of these here, on this blog, was back in 2008 when I compiled a long list of things that I had ♥ed in other places.

Sometimes I’m glad that I’ve had a journal this long. Sometimes it’s weird that I can turn a page back to as early as 2001 and see some vague thing I jotted down when I was 17.

may 1, 2004

♥ timmy the cat
♥ 5 more days
♥ a white rosebush outside a bedroom window
♥ hearing the rain do its little tap dance
♥ mr. mraz
♥ getting the hearing back in my right ear
♥ bright pink terry capris
♥ knowing that fall will be here. eventually.
♥ the most beautiful bubble-eye goldfish in the world
♥ in 1929 i sold short/in england i’m presented at court/but you’ve got me downhearted/cause i can’t get started with you
♥ miniature conversations with jen with a baby cooing in the background
♥ “liz, i’m going to miss you so much”
♥ you’re toast & jam/you’re cotton candy/you’re double rainbows beside a setting sun/you’re wood burning outside/there’s a fire glowing/you’re sweet as green apples/you must be the one
♥ a fresh coat of white paint over a lovely turquoise dorm room (we had the awesomest room)
♥ my comp 2 class all singing “don’t go breaking my heart”
♥ “i’m always wishing”

Seventeen

Next year will mark 10 years that I have been out of high school. Recently, a few of my classmates had started contacting me, asking, “When are we getting together for our reunion?”

Hmm. I don’t know. I haven’t heard anything. Have you?

“No, I just figured you’d plan it.”

And I guess that’s how it happened. More than a couple said that to me on different occasions and I suppose it makes sense. The last time most of them were around me I was the studious girl who ended up student council president our senior year and did quite a bit of planning. It’s not what I’d consider to be my forte. I’ve never been able to decide if I am a detail or big picture person because I’m a little of both in different areas. Want a stellar invitation designed? You got it. Fliers for the event? Sure thing. Making phone calls, securing a venue, weighing pros and cons? Okay, you get the picture.

But sometimes, in the midst of all of this, you have to actually deal with other human beings. Interpersonal communication is not where I excel. I jumped in with both feet anyway.

Quick as a flash, I felt like I was 17 again. Not in a good way. (Was 17 for you anything like it was for me? I always felt like I could sympathize with Janis Ian about the age and its dramatic elements.) A lot of bad feelings came floating to the surface. Habits and behaviors that I haven’t exhibited in almost 10 years began to bare their teeth and I reeled back.

A friend was tweeting some things right when all of this was happening. She didn’t know what was going on with me (yet), but the things she was sharing were things that I needed to hear right that second.

In the past I have shared about how different I felt when I was in school. It took me forever to be comfortable with my identity. Somewhere toward the end of high school I just stopped caring. Not in time to truly enjoy that feeling while still surrounded by people who held different ideals from my own, but soon enough that I was able to really start discovering who I was at the beginning of my time spent at college. Having the new freedom to choose my own friends was exhilarating.

I found people that I could be real with, that did not judge me based on me liking things they weren’t interested in, believing differently from them, or holding my life to a different standard. For a girl from a very small town this was a very big deal.

These new plans, the prospect of seeing people that I hadn’t laid eyes on since I was 18-years-old, it brought up so many old feelings and memories — the pleasant and the painful ones. And that last thing that Victoria said hit home — these feelings, wishing someone could see just how far past all that I’d come, how I was stronger and more secure, more confident and less in need of affirmation from my peers…they were all things that drew me back to that agonizing place of trying to please other people. If the attitude is “if they could see me now” doesn’t it just hand over the power to someone who doesn’t deserve it?

These are more ruminations than anything else. The epiphany is small, but valuable. Is there a call to action? Maybe…maybe just what it has been all along. Accepting myself and my identity, not giving the power to someone else to determine my worth.

Weekends and Butterflies and Pretty Dresses

I spent Saturday with my mom, one of my favorite things to do. On a typical Saturday when she comes up to visit we head over to the local farmers’ market. This past weekend was our first trip of the season and it was a lovely, warm day. Well, kinda hot. I’m not acclimated to the warmer temps yet (it always takes me a while) so it was a little bit uncomfortable for me.

 

Mom bought a few gallons of plants and I hauled them around the market for her, but didn’t buy any for myself this time. Before I buy anything else I am going to try to get my other flower bed cleaned out and ready for plants. I was inspired this weekend to plant a bed exclusively full of plants native to Oklahoma. There’s a stand at the market that sells only natives and beneficials and it’s been something I’ve wanted to try for a long time anyway. I’ll post updates here and try to get you a few before and after photos. And maybe some in the middle ones, though I tend to forget those.

 

The master garden was in full bloom this weekend and their butterfly beds were attracting all kinds of pollinators. This year in my own beds I have tried to plant things to attract butterflies and hummingbirds. So far I have only seen one hummingbird at my feeder, but it’s one more than I have had in the 7 years I’ve lived in this house 🙂 Such a change from my parents’ house, where hummingbirds tend to swarm.

 

We did a little shopping on Saturday as well and I found some cute dresses for summer. It’s so nice to be wearing light, bright clothing again.

 

My hair has gotten really, really long. Longer than it’s been at any other point in my life. About once every two weeks or so I toy with the idea of cutting it off somewhere around shoulder length, but then I realize how much I love it. When I’m sitting the ends touch my waistband in the back. I can twist it up, pull it back, pull it half up, curl it, straighten it (I never do that, but hey, options). So I think I’ll let it go. I have started pulling out the grays and according to my mom I’m going to have two grow back for every one that I pull out, so I should be easy to spot in a crowd soon.